


another love

by jonghotz



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Depression, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Past Character Death, Wooyoung - Centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 02:24:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18907588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonghotz/pseuds/jonghotz
Summary: all my tears have been used up.





	another love

**Author's Note:**

> half inspired by the song another love, by tom odell.

The sunlight that enters his room is barely visible at the beginning, but it's enough to make Wooyoung stand up for the first time since last night. It's past four in the afternoon. But Wooyoung knows nobody expected him to do much today. They all know what day is today.

Today wasn't a good day. Wooyoung hadn't had many good days lately.

The sunlight entering his room is more now. He stood up, close all the curtains and went back to bed.

Before this there were many days in which Wooyoung couldn't even bare to be on his room. Wanting to go out, do all kind of crazy things at three in the morning. Now is a place he would rather not leave.

Jongho came to check him at some time, his mother did too. There wasn't much to see. He was breathing and for that he knew they were glad.

No, today wasn't a good day, but either was the day before. This was Wooyoung's new reality and no, he did not want it, but his stupid brain had other plans for him.

Later on the evening he checked his phone for the first time in days, it was after Jongho came in with a sandwich for him to eat, asked him if he would rather some company. Wooyoung hesitated at first, but ended up agreeing.

His phone didn't have many messages, just from his friends group chat and from San.

He went to sleep, even when it was barely ten o'clock, hoping his dreams would be less scary tonight.

Wooyoung was blessed by his presence that night. Making him feel empty when the morning came.

He woke up at a more reasonable hour the next day, maybe too early, because his father was on the kitchen, drinking some coffee, ready to work. The Sun wasn't even fully out yet.

"Morning." They said at the same time. And the man smiled at him. He found himself wanting to smile at him back too, so he did. Not many words were shared after that.

"Have a nice day at work." He said when his father started to leave.

"Have a nice day too, son." And he wanted, he wanted to have a good day.

Wooyoung ended up texting his friends, it was the beginning of their summer vacations, they should be doing something fun.

They came to pick him up, because Wooyoung gave up on driving almost two years ago. His therapist keep on saying that would be something he would have to try again, but for now they were giving him some time.

It was late in the night when he came back.

He looked at his phone, San messages where still unread, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He have had a good day, he knew that if he added San on the equation that would change, so he decided to wait a little more.

His mother was beaming when he saw her, smile so big on her face he couldn't but smile back at her.

-

"Hey." San said when he entered the car.

"Hi."

The car ride was silent. None of them making much sound. Khalid was playing on the radio, it was nice. That didn't give Wooyoung much time to think. After the good days he was feeling down again. Nobody was pressuring him, his mother was happy he was going out more, his father tried his best to talk with him and not look worried, Jongho came to his room to play some video games together like they did before the whole disaster happen.

No, his family or his friends, that were happy when he tagged along and didn't bother him when he didn't, weren't putting any pressure on him, it was all in his head. As always.

"You don't have to answer." San suddenly talk, after half an hour of pure silence. "But why?"

"Everything is too much." And it was. Too much. All. Too much.

There were no more words until they were seated on the back of San's pick up on the top of the hill close to their town. Wooyoung loved to look at the city lights from here. Because everything seems far, his problems, everything. The further he run, the least they would bother him, or that he wanted his head to believe.

"What have you been doing?" And it was the first time he started a conversation and not the other way around.

"You know there isn't much to do here. So I went to the river the other day with my friends, and we just drive around. Not much." Wooyoung was glad San was enjoying his summer, he deserved it. "You?"

"Same thing, driving around with my friends and playing some games with my brother." He was looking at the city, but he knew, because he could see it from the side of his eye, that San was looking at him. He would like to turn and look back, read what was on his head, but that would be to much for him. Too much.

"How is Jongho?" San asked after a while, now looking back at the city, that give Wooyoung time to look better at him, in a kind of secret way.

"He is good. He is a smart kid."

Later that night, after an even longer silence, San turned around and took Wooyoung's hand in his, making the boy look at their union, confusion on his face. San give him time, to separate himself after he took his chin, leaning in to kiss Wooyoung. But he didn't, he let San kiss him, his lips not doing much but enjoying the movement of the slightly older boy.

Once on his bed he felt something sinking on him, a weight so strong he was suffocating. That night Yeosang visited him again, he was wearing all white and smiling at Wooyoung. 

He cried so hard it woke him up. 

He didn't deserve Yeosang smiling at him. San kissing him either. He didn't deserve happiness.

Next day Wooyoung spend it all on the darkness of his room.

-

Two weeks since the last time he answered a message from San. Wooyoung was feeling better, all because of the new medication he was having, the old one seemed to stop working. But he wasn't feeling better enough to deal with one of the main problems that was making him felt back to the most darkest place of his mind.

It wasn't San's fault, he knew, knew that very well, it was all he, his brain.

"Wooyoung!" Someone screamed his name. He was out with his friends, on the mall from the big city next to theirs.

And he wished, on that moment, to die, right there on the spot.

"Wooyoung!" Seonghwa screamed again, a smile on his face as he runned up to him. He was handsome still and he looked so happy to see Wooyoung, he wish he could said the same.

"Hi." He tried his best to put a smile on his face as if everything inside of him wasn't crumbling down.

"How have you been? It's been so long."  _ Since the funeral _ , he probably would like to add,  _ since you killed my brother _ , probably was somewhere there too.

No, no, he seemed genuinely happy to see him, the smile was reaching his eyes, there was a spark on them. He knew Seonghwa, since they were kids, since he was on diapers. The elder was happy to see him, there was no resentment, there have never been, not other than the one Wooyoung had for himself.

"Woo." Seonghwa said, voice now so small, so hurt when the younger didn't answer at him. Just looked, so lost, because he was, on in own head, that once again was trying it's best to drag him down.

And Wooyoung cried, so hard, in the middle of the mall in Seonghwa's arms as the elder hugged him.

At some point he heard Seonghwa tell his friends that they could go, that he would take care of him. And he let the elder do whatever he wanted, he let him take him to the bathroom, wash his face, then bought him a drink and take him to his car. Wooyoung was so out of himself he wasn't sure how he managed to walk all that.

Seonghwa didn't say nothing. People around him seemed to understand that words did nothing to him lately, because their voices weren't louder that the ones on his head.

"I'm sorry." He said once the cried subsided down a little. The elder just smiled at him, passing him the water he bought for him.

"There is nothing you should be sorry for, Woo."  _ Lies.  _ "Nothing." He said again, as if he was reading Wooyoung's mind.

Seonghwa started driving, probably back to Wooyoung's house, that was almost an hour away from the mall.

"What you doing here?" Wooyoung asked, voice so rough from the crying it didn't even sound like him.

"College here. I didn't want to be that far away from my parents."  _ Because I'm the only son they have now. _ He said looking at the younger with a smile, there was still some sadness on his face, but the smile was still sincere.

"I'm sorry."

"Woo. Wooyoung, there is really nothing you should be sorry for." And he wanted to scream, said that was a lie. Why was Seonghwa treating him so nice when he was the reason that his brother was dead? Wooyoung couldn't find his voice to do nothing of that.

Silent tears started falling again. The car stopped on, Wooyoung guess, was a side road.

"Woo, listen to me. Please."

He tried his best, to calm himself down, with all the tricks his therapist give him, the ten things he could see, and the nine he could touch and all that shit. But was Seonghwa's hand on his what bring him back.

"Woo," Seonghwa started again. "my parents are still in contact with yours, you know that, right?" He knew, so he nodded. "And your parents have told mine all about the therapy." Why would his parents do that? Why would they worry Yeosang parents even more, when they already had enough to worry about?

Another wave of cries scape out of him, and Seonghwa wait a little to keep on talking.

"Woo, nobody have ever blamed you. It wasn't your fault, and it wasn't Yeo's either, please, understand that."  _ Lies. _ "You tried your best, Woo, to save him, and my family and me are so glad for that. So glad."

Now Seonghwa was crying too, great, it's like it was his thing to make everyone on that family hurt.

"Please, understand that." He took a breathe so deep Wooyoung was sure his lungs were now hurting. For him, it did hurt to breathe sometimes. "You are the one that Yeosang loved the most." Seonghwa was choking himself on his tears, and Wooyoung wanted to tell him that it was okay, he wanted so bad, but words were still hard to find, like his throat wasn't working anymore.

Seonghwa took another deep breathe.

"Wooyoung, if we lose you, I don't think we could live with that. Yeosang wouldn't want to see you like this, Woo. Until you find a way to live for you, at least, please, please, do it for us. For your family, and mine, and your friends."

-

Three days later and Wooyoung still haven't get out of his bed. After Seonghwa's words he understood how much he have been worrying everyone around him, much more than he imagined, many more people than he thought.

He wanted to disappear, not die, not commit suicide, he couldn't even if he wanted, his body felt like it wasn't his, without even a bit of power. Just disappear, wishing nobody knew he have ever been there.

Jongho came at some hour of the day, without saying a word, he just lay there by his side, and hug him, and went to sleep. At some point Wooyoung felt asleep too. When he woke up it was way past midnight, or at least that he could guess. Jongho was still sleeping, still hugging him so tight, as if he let Wooyoung go, his older brother would fell away between his fingers.

_ "Until you find a way to live for you, at least, please, please, do it for us."  _ He heard Seonghwa on his head said.

Another wave of sadness came to him, but a different one. Wooyoung tried to imagine the life of his family and friends without him, a real one, and not the one his stupid brain was telling him. He have seen Yeosang family devastated after his best friend's death, so he could guess his would be the same, plus the hint of guilt that came with not being able to save your own kid from himself.

He was crying now, wetting Jongho's shirt, that shifted, probably waking up.

"I love you, Woo." Was all he said before hugging him even stronger that before.

-

"Hey."

"Hi."

At some point on that week Wooyoung started feeling better again, better enough to go out of his room, well enough to cook with his mother, and play games again with Jongho. He invited his friends over to hang out with them on his room, because he wasn't feeling like going out yet. And everything was okay with that. Wooyoung reminded himself again that people were okay with giving him his time, to let him go at his own pace, that nobody was pressuring him, even after two years. That thought was what make him put in contact with San again.

On that evening they went to the hill again.

Nobody talked, San didn't even tried to make questions. As if he could sense the still kinda aura on him.

"I'm sorry." Was Wooyoung the first one to speak.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." That everyone told him. But he was tired, tired of people letting him do whatever he want, and hurting others because they were pitying him.

When this whole thing, whatever it was, with San started three months he was on a better space of mind, because of his old medicine, the one that at some point stopped working, same as the other one after that, some weird trick of his body or something. Wooyoung back then thought he could deal with it, but when the dark days came back he understood he couldn't. And from that point all he have made was make San suffer. So no, he did have lots of things to be sorry for. No, some of those things were not his fault, but his illness, but still.

"I do."

San looked from the city back to him, but, as always, Wooyoung couldn't meet his eyes.

"San, I guess you know I'm not okay." And as it was a joke, as if not everyone that saw him on the street could see it. Because he always looks like he was dragging a weight heavier that his whole existence with him. "I have some traumas."

Wooyoung have never been a dramatic person, against what many people would thing. After all this he was bright, and he liked to joke, and he still do, but lately everything was too much for him. He tried his best, because he knew how much Jongho liked it, and how much his mother smiled when she saw him doing it. So he laughed, a dry laugh, but a laugh still.

"When Yeosang and I were on that accident-" he started, and had to take a full minute to continue. From the corner of his eye he could see San hesitating, wanting to take his hand. On a brave wave that came through his body he did it, he took San's hand. That grounded him. "-I guess you already know what happened, but on that accident I-."

"You don't have to tell me anything, Wooyoung." San was looking at him with a sweet smile. "Not if you are not ready."

"I have done things incredibly wrong with you." Wooyoung said half laughing. "And I'm really sorry for that. I shouldn't have lead you into anything when I wasn't ready. And I'm sorry for that. I'm also sorry for not answering your texts, it's just that my mind can't deal with social interactions some days. I'm sorry I disappear, I know you just want to know how I am, but I really can't even deal with that some days."

"And that's okay." San squeezed his hand. "And I understand. I accept your apologize, if that makes you have an easier heart."

It was the first time San saw him cry. From that moment Wooyoung have only contacted him when he was in a good mood, not wanting to share with him the bad days, because he knew San deserved better than that, better than him.

"You don't have to stuck with me. I'm sorry that you have to stuck with me." He said between sobs. "There is better people out there."

San just hugged him, and he cried. He didn't knew for how long, he just cried, until all that was left was some sobs and a running nose.

"You should find someone better. I will not break if you left."  _ I'm broke enough already. You don't deserve someone as broke as me. _

"Wooyoung." San softly called, taking his head from his shoulder when he was hiding. "Woo." He dry the tears the best he could, cressing his thumbs over his cheeks with a gentle smile on his face. It was a sad one, that much Wooyoung knew. "Will you listen to everything I said? I promise you I will be really honest with you."

It took Wooyoung some time, but he finally nodded, trying to focus on San the best he could with his eyes still full of tears and his head hurting so much it felt like it would explote at any moment.

"Woo, it really hurts me when you go days, weeks, without talking to me, or even opening my texts, not because you don't but because I don't know if you are okay, so I have to ask your friends. But it hurts me more because I know you only contact me when you are having one of your good days, and that's not what I want. If you don't want a relationship it would hurt me so much, Woo. Because it really-" He had took a deep breathe, now he was crying too and Wooyoung felt his heart sink, even deeper than before. "Woo, I really like you. But if you don't feel like a relationship then that's okay, but at least let me be your friend. A real friend. A friend you call when you aren't feeling as well, and one you call when you are feeling just well enough. Please, don't apart me from your side. Don't detach yourself from me."

That night Wooyoung couldn't bring himself to say one more word, because suddenly everything was too much for him. So San dried his tears and drove him back to his house.

Wooyoung dreamt with Yeosang that night, he was saying something he couldn't heard. He wanted to know what it was so bad, but couldn't. The next morning he woke up feeling emptier than he had in a long time. There wasn't sadness, or guilt, he wasn't feeling powerless, or ashamed. There was just emptiness. As if nothing would ever fulfill him.

-

Summer was almost coming to an end, which meant he was going to enter his last year in high school. His brother was starting it, and he was so excited it was making Wooyoung excited too.

With a mind much cleared than on the previous weeks, Wooyoung texted San, who take three hours to answer back, making the anxiety on Wooyoung scale to never seen before levels.

This was a bad idea, San was probably so mad with him. Still, he came out to get into his car when he parked outside his house.

"Hey. I'm really really sorry it took me so long so answer, I was working. I came as soon as I check out."

Wooyoung didn't even knew San worked, on Walmart from what he could see on the logo. He then realised it was the first time on the whole summer he meeted San on the light of day and not deep in the night.

"Hi." He looked at San once the slightly older boy started driving. "I didn't knew you worked."

"It's just a summer job. I forgot to tell you." San looked at him for a few seconds, smiling. He always made sure to pay attention to the road, probably knowing that Wooyoung was still a little paranoid about cars.

"I forgot to ask you." Was his answer.

"Should I-" San started while making an unfamiliar turn. "I was thinking about eating something first, I'm really hungry."

Of course, because he just get out of work, he probably didn't eat anything in the whole morning. It was lunch time already.

"Nice."

They had a nice meal, not talking much, just commenting the food. Then went to the hill, as always.

Nobody talked for a long time.

"I-" Wooyoung started. "I wanted to talk with you about us." He saw San looking at the city, for the first time not looking at him. "I would like to be your friend, as you said. I would really like that. But there is so much about me that you don't know, and I don't think it's fair from you to get into a relationship with you not knowing about it."

He have thought about it. It took him some time, but he sat on his room one day, Sun shining through his window, warming his skin, and he thought. About San and only San, and what he meant to him, what he could bring himself to do at that moment, what would be the best for him, for San, for them.

He thought, and he came to the conclusion that no, San couldn't be the one to save him from this dark he was in, but either could his family, or his friends, not even his therapist, that's something he would have to do himself, for himself, not for someone else. No, San wasn't his punch bag that would take some weight out of his shoulder. But San could be there, not to carry the weight, but maybe to help him carry himself when it was too much for him, just as his family and friends do sometimes. San could make it more bearable, just as his family and friends do.

"Not now. But maybe in the future. If you are willing to wait for me and get to know me, with the good and the bad days."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! i'm really happy this is my first completed fanfic!
> 
> the accident happened two years ago, close to yeosang's bday. wooyoung was there with him, they weren't the only ones implied. woo doesn't like to talk about it because there isn't really much he remembers about, his brain choosing to forget.
> 
> comments would be really appreciated, some feedback would be amazing.
> 
> my twitter is @jonghotz, same as my cc, if you wanna talk with me or coment something i'm always there, and i would really like it if you do! 
> 
> once again thanks for reading! have the nicest day!


End file.
